The Gunshot

[spydad]

He can still hear the gunshot.

Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her face. Every night in his dreams, he remembers that moment, the moment he killed the woman he loved.

He remembers, too, the night Sydney and Vaughn came to him, to tell him that he had been set up. That they all had. He had realized then the depth of his mistake, his terrible mistake. It was perfectly clear, then, as it should have been all along, that he should not have doubted her. That whatever else she might be capable of, Irina Derevko would never have done this.

In his dreams, Irina's eyes accuse him. You fool, how could you not have known better than this? How could you not have known me better than this?

And even in his dreams, he cannot answer her. He should have known better, and he didn't.

He should have known that she would never hurt either of her children, not like this.

He should never have forgotten that there were others who have already demonstrated their willingness to do this.

Those like Arvin Sloane.

But when Sloane protests his innocence, Jack finds that he does believe his old friend, his old enemy. In many ways this act would have violated the pact between them, and while Jack hardly trusts Sloane, he trusts him this far- not to break that pact, at least not yet. He will do many things, but Sloane would never violate their agreement before Elena had been dealt with.

Elena... And the pieces fall into place, as they begin to chase the man who has been made to believe he is Arvin Sloane, and McCullough, the one who made him... and that man's employer.

He never should have trusted McCullough's retrieval to anyone else. Vaughn and Dixon lack the inherent ruthlessness required to understand Calvin McCullough, and to anticipate his actions. When they report in, the others seem surprised, even shocked, that McCullough would kill himself rather than risk his employer's wrath. Jack is not. He saw it coming. One glance at Sloane tells him, as if he had not already known, that Arvin did, too.

Jack knows that Elena Derevko is the name McCullough killed himself rather than divulge to them, and he is not surprised by this, only disappointed, mostly in himself, for not having taken steps to prevent it.

Nearly every night in his dreams, he is haunted by what he has done, by what Elena had manipulated him into doing. Yet he is honest enough to admit that Katya was right; he could not have killed Irina unless a part of him had wanted to.

Katya, however, has never quite understood their relationship. They had always been close to the edge, always no more than a knife's edge away from violence. With their history, this does not surprise him. It made things interesting, yet it also made him perhaps too willing to pull the trigger.

"You don't seem relieved," Nadia tells him, surprised, when they learn Irina may be alive. He does not answer, not knowing how to explain, not feeling he needs to justify what he does or does not feel to Arvin's daughter. (Even if she is Irina's daughter, too. Even if she killed an innocent man- innocent of her mother's murder, at least- because he had told her to. Even if he has been looking after her for a year, knowing in his heart that there will come a time when Arvin won't...)

He will be relieved when- if -they find her, but he has been fooled too many times to blindly trust another rumor. Dixon has almost always been reliable, but Jack can only look upon this with disbelief. Fooled by Elena or not, he knows what he has done.

Jack Bristow killed his wife, and watched her die. He agonized over the decision right up until he pulled the trigger. He cursed her and he mourned her- again -and he tried to move on. Terrible mistake or not, it was over, it was done...

Now the wounds threaten to rip open again, and he does not know that he can stand the pain. He has almost come to prefer the heavy scar tissue that has built up in his heart, in the place where he used to hold Laura, or Irina... the love of his life by any name. Feeling nothing where she is concerned is preferable to feeling everything. It is a distraction he does not have time for.

He cannot admit to Nadia, or to Sydney, because he cannot admit it even to himself, how much he is secretly hoping that Dixon did see her. That she is alive, somewhere...

His daughter meets this revelation with skepticism; Jack with a quiet disbelief. Of all of them, Nadia is the only one who believes it, believes it enough to pack and bring with her some of their mother's clothes from CIA storage. No one else really thinks she is going to need them... but in the end it is Nadia and Dixon who are right, and the cynics like Jack Bristow who are wrong.

He sends Sydney and Nadia to find their mother, guiding them through the jungle. He tells himself he still does not care, but an edge creeps into his voice when they can see no sign of Irina, though the infrared scans show they are right next to her. Sydney cries out, and for a moment Jack feels his heart stop. Questions whirl through his mind, questions he does not dare consider the answers to, not yet. Where is she? What have they done to her, to draw such a cry from his daughter?

It takes them hours to return to the boat, making their way carefully through the jungle, avoiding pursuit, and Jack can only wait anxiously. He tenses at the sound of footsteps through the brush, until Sydney's voice calls out.

He starts forward to meet them, stopping abruptly when he sees Irina. He had not expected to see her looking quite so battered. He should have, of course; he knows Elena's reputation, what she is capable of, but this...

"Irina..."

The punch blindsides him. If she'd struck him just a little harder, she could easily have knocked him from his feet. As it is the punch only sends him staggering back a few steps. Jack straightens slowly, braced for another blow. He would not blame her if she felt it necessary, and he makes no move to defend himself. This is the least of what he owes her.

He wants to tell her he is sorry, but these inadequate words get stuck in his throat, and he can only look at her, speechless now, and ashamed.


Muse: Jack Bristow
Fandom: Alias
Words: 1,122 (minus episode quotes)